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Serious Dating for Baby Boomers

Serious dating is a time when you move out of your isolation with just the two of you and begin to widen your circle of activities to include others – time to introduce family and friends to your potential partner. This is the time to get feedback from others in case you have your blinders on; your friends and family will have a clearer picture of your potential partner without being clouded by the headiness of infatuation, and lust that you may have.

I once heard intimacy described as into-me-you-see. This is the stage where one begins to open their heart and share all your secrets that you’ve never revealed to another human being; this is a time to share what Thomas Moore would term, your shadow self—your less-than-perfect self, your fears, your regrets, your ‘insanities.’

Because of the vulnerability one experiences by exposing more of their ‘real’ self there has to have been a significant level of trust earned during the casual dating stage. If there wasn’t enough trust developed, the relationship should end before it ever gets started.

Serious Dating requires:

1. Compassion
2. Cooperation
3. Compromise

1. Compassion

‘a suffering with another; sympathy, pity; tender-hearted, kindness’

To act tender-heartedly toward one’s partner is essential in order to bring harmony to one’s relationship. One must be able to understand and have empathy for what your partner is going through.

See my essay on compassion here.

2. Cooperation

‘to act or operate jointly with another or others to the same end; to work or labour to promote a common object; to unite in producing the same effect.’

“Cooperation – a necessary behaviour to be open to serendipity and encourage experimentation.” ~ Harold Jarche

Cooperation is very important for a happy, long-lasting relationship. Both parties have to be on the same page as far as their vision of the relationship is concerned. Again, this is another area that needs considerable discussion during the serious dating stage before one makes a decision to get into a long-term relationship.

A couple must know individually and as a unit what is their vision for their life together.

More importantly than agreeing on concrete goals, cooperation can also be used to create the emotional environment the couple wants to experience.

See my essay on cooperation here.

3. Compromise

‘a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; a combination of two rival systems, principles, etc. in which a part of each is sacrificed to make the combination possible’

Compromise – Arguing is getting us nowhere! Can’t we just meet in the middle?

In many circles compromise is a dirty word, but in order to have and maintain a healthy, loving relationship there will be times when each person will have to sacrifice something in order to get something that they think is a better deal. The more a couple is compatible the less they will have to compromise because their values and basic personality traits are already closely in line with their partner’s.

Compromising takes good communication and negotiating skills, and a sense of fair play between the partners.

One should NEVER COMPROMISE on Values, Morals, or Ethics!!!

See my essay on compromise here.

Without having gone slow enough in the casual dating stage to develop a level of care and concern for one another it becomes difficult and even unwise to move into serious dating.  This new stage encompasses developing compassion, cooperation, and compromise with one another. It is pretty hard to have compassion for another person if you don’t know yourself or your partner well enough to have a genuine concern for their thoughts and feelings.

I speak more of these qualities in my upcoming book, The 8 Cs of Relationships.

For more information on when The 8 Cs of Relationships will be published (anticipated publication date late 2023) and where to pre-order your copy, please fill in the form here.

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