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Chemistry in Relationships


Hooked on Drugs

From what I’ve been reading, chemistry is a cornerstone of relationships.  Along with compatibility, chemistry in relationships is vital.

Chemistry is an actual biological, physiological process. Recent research in the science of mate attraction and selection shows that chemistry is determined by specific neurotransmitters in the brain: in the initial infatuation stage, you are literally on drugs!

Types of Chemistry

According to Wikipedia, the various manifestations of chemistry are: sexual chemistry, romantic chemistry, emotional chemistry…”

Thriving-Baby-Boomers - chemistry - You can't force chemistry to exist where it doesn't in the same way you can't deny it when it does.

You can’t force chemistry to exist where it doesn’t in the same way you can’t deny it when it does.

Symptoms of Chemistry

Physiological Symptoms

First, there is the physiological chemistry. From the article, Is Chemistry in Relationships Important? at the beginning of a new relationship, chemistry makes your heart race… Fueled by adrenaline-like chemicals like dopamine and phenyl-ethylamine (PEA), you see fireworks exploding, float on air and hear the drums.

Over time, these neurotransmitters wear off and eventually, the infatuation stage is over.

… When infatuation subsides, a new group of chemicals takes over… these morphine-like opiates make you experience the calm, intimacy, warmth, and the pleasure of shared experiences in your relationship.

These endorphins, which also reduce anxiety and pain, are responsible for long-term attachment

Another chemical involved in relationships is oxytocin which is widely referred to as the love hormone. It is reported that oxytocin makes you calmer and more sensitive to the feelings of your partner.

Other physiological symptoms include “blood pressure rising, skin flushing, the face and ears turning red and a feeling of weakness in the knees”.  Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and sensations of excitement are also associated with chemistry.


Psychological Symptoms

Having chemistry with your partner means that you have a language of your own; sometimes a voice inflection or even a glance says more than a thousand words. You feel a spontaneous connection with each other from the very beginning.

More than love, you also feel respect, admiration, and like each other deeply.

Chemistry can be described as the combination of “love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone”.


Emotional Symptoms

Chemistry can be described in the terms of mutual feelings – “a connection, a bond or common feeling between two people.” It has been called a simple “emotion” that two people get when they share a special connection.

As thrilling as this state is, it only lasts between 6 months to 2 years, until you and your partner commit to your relationship, or soon after you move in together.



According to a Wikipedia article… chemistry is generally considered the “igniter and catalyst for the relationship”. [3] Having chemistry “can be the difference between a relationship being romantic or platonic”. Chemistry “can cause people to act sexually impulsively or unwisely”.

Although most people consider the heart the center of love, scientists agree that love is all in our brain.

Chemistry is the reason the saying, “Love is blind,” exists… Chemistry often blinds people to warning signs that a person or relationship is not healthy or the right one for them.

While chemistry in relationships is very important, it is NOT enough.

Dating coach, Evan Marc Katz suggests that “chemistry is one of the most misleading indicators of a future relationship. Chemistry predicts nothing but chemistry.”

Neil Clark Warren, (CEO of the E-Harmony dating site) argues that physical chemistry is important because “couples who don’t share strong chemistry may have additional problems during the ups and downs of a life together.” … he suggests not ruling someone out on the first date due to lack of chemistry. “But,” he adds, “if by the second or third date you don’t feel a strong inclination to kiss the other person, be near him, or hold his hand, you’re probably never going to feel it.“ [8]

The two of you still need to sit and discuss your relationship compatibility: similarity of background, similarity of interests and values, plus your shared vision, life goals, and priorities for yourself and the relationship. You need to talk about how well your needs are supported by each other.

I have written a whole chapter on Chemistry in my upcoming book, The 8 Cs of Relationships.

For more information on when The 8 Cs of Relationships will be published (anticipated publication date late 2023) and where to pre-order your copy, please fill in the form here.

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